Berlin Fashion Police Report: Crime Scene, Zoologischer Garten

Yes, the Berlin Fashion Cop is back and she's cattier than ever! Actually, I never really went anywhere. Taking shots anonymously of people whose style I plan to later diss on my blog has just gotten trickier since my camera has gotten bigger. Luckily, at Berlin Zoologischer Garten (the zoo in the heart of former West Berlin) EVERYONE has a camera and, so I found out yesterday, no one pays any attention whether you're taking shots of monkey babies or bad-idea spandex. Luckily as well, there was many a crime being committed. Here is my police blotter:

1. Two-Toned Hair


So here's the thing: from the age of 15 to probably about 27, whenever I felt like I needed a change in my life I often just went to Walgreen's and picked up a bottle of hair dye and then went at it. Dying your hair can be fun, it can be cool and, no, it doesn't necessarily have to look natural. But, like my mother always said, nothing says "stripper" like two-toned hair. Please, ladies, unless you are applying for a job over at Big Al's, spare us the distressed tresses!

Note: the two young girls (admittedly, only one of them has a two-toned 'do) get extra points for actually looking good in short shorts, but have a few marks added to their records for the tan-in-the-can and the silver lame shoulder bag.....

SENTENCE: A two hundred Euro donation to a (classy) hairdresser of their choice.

2. Comfortable, Outdoor Sandals


I realize I might get some flak for this one. "But Officer Schlieffen," some citizens might say, "A lot of these people are probably tourists who do a lot of walking. They need comfortable sandals!" My answer: "Poppycock, my dear friends, poppycock!" There are plenty of comfortable sandals to be worn that DON'T make you look like you are about to embark on a creek-walking expedition. Officer Schlieffen's advice? Nix The North Face! Toss out the Teva! Comfort and style CAN be combined, so go out and make it happen.

SENTENCE: Six months of community service

3. Yes, matching DOES matter!


Ok, I am about to be very, very hard on this girl. Her dress is actually quite cute and nicely accessorized with the metallic belt and bag. I am still, however, pretty p.o.ed about the keds-without-laces incident, so the terrible, 80s revival glasses just didn't get us started off on the right foot.... Bad mood aside, I still have to wonder what inspired her to combine this (sans glasses) nice outfit with pink and purple stripped socks and beat up tennis shoes. I'm not saying she needs to go all dainty or, god forbid, slip on a pair of heels, just wear shoes that actually do SOMETHING for the overall look instead of drawing immediately "Opps. Someone forgot to look in the mirror!" attention like a long run on a pair of pantyhose.

SENTENCE: Life imprisonment without possibility of parole (told you I was going to be hard on her!)

Citizen's Choice Awards

1. The Italians


To be fair, the first woman here would normally be ticketed in the "Dump the Frump" category. That skirt really has to go and the mocassins are also rather questionable. Still, I love the green on her, which is off set nicely by the scarf and besides, she just seemed so darn nice. Her friendly vibe combined with the fact that she was speaking Italian was enough to merit the award.


Normally I don't really go for this rastafarian-cum-hippie-cum-punk style, but I thought this woman (also Italian) really owned the look and still managed to look elegant. Plus, she smiled a lot at my kids (always a wise decision when trying to get on the good side of an officer of the law!)

2. A Whole Lot of Granny Going On


Snow white hair is oh-so-much more stricking than a mere distinguished gray. This old lady matched her outfit to her hair right down to the shoes and purse (how does she keep so much white so pristine?) The kitty cat tote is also a nice touch to her overall granny groove. Three cheers for grandma!