Today, on the lovely playground on Chamisso Platz of all places, I saw a woman wearing them: Harem (a.k.a M.C. Hammer) pants. This apparently stylish woman was pushing her child on a swing with pants like this covering her modest behind:
Yes, it's true: This is a trend and this woman (so sorry to say I didn't have my camera or she would be SO dissed right now!) was not the first person I've seen wearing them. The good news: These pants remind me a lot of my two and a half year old daughter. The bad news: That is, when she has a gigantic LOAD in her diaper!!! People, people, people, what are you thinking?? Do you just want to have a "What the hell was I wearing back then?" snapshot for the family album? And don't give me that "But they are so comfortable" excuse. So are paper bags, but as far as I've heard, no one is wearing them...
Granted, these pants are apparently striving for equality: whether fat or thin, curvy or androgynus, they are simply unflattering on everyone.
As for the end of the world, forget about those four horses and the whore of Babylon or whatever else it is they wrote in Revelations. If this 80s revival goes so far that BIG HAIR actually comes back into fashion, then the world, as we know it, will surely have come to an end....
Yes, the Berlin Fashion Cop is back and she's cattier than ever! Actually, I never really went anywhere. Taking shots anonymously of people whose style I plan to later diss on my blog has just gotten trickier since my camera has gotten bigger. Luckily, at Berlin Zoologischer Garten (the zoo in the heart of former West Berlin) EVERYONE has a camera and, so I found out yesterday, no one pays any attention whether you're taking shots of monkey babies or bad-idea spandex. Luckily as well, there was many a crime being committed. Here is my police blotter:
1. Two-Toned Hair
So here's the thing: from the age of 15 to probably about 27, whenever I felt like I needed a change in my life I often just went to Walgreen's and picked up a bottle of hair dye and then went at it. Dying your hair can be fun, it can be cool and, no, it doesn't necessarily have to look natural. But, like my mother always said, nothing says "stripper" like two-toned hair. Please, ladies, unless you are applying for a job over at Big Al's, spare us the distressed tresses!Note: the two young girls (admittedly, only one of them has a two-toned 'do) get extra points for actually looking good in short shorts, but have a few marks added to their records for the tan-in-the-can and the silver lame shoulder bag.....
SENTENCE: A two hundred Euro donation to a (classy) hairdresser of their choice.
2. Comfortable, Outdoor Sandals
I realize I might get some flak for this one. "But Officer Schlieffen," some citizens might say, "A lot of these people are probably tourists who do a lot of walking. They need comfortable sandals!" My answer: "Poppycock, my dear friends, poppycock!" There are plenty of comfortable sandals to be worn that DON'T make you look like you are about to embark on a creek-walking expedition. Officer Schlieffen's advice? Nix The North Face! Toss out the Teva! Comfort and style CAN be combined, so go out and make it happen.
SENTENCE: Six months of community service3. Yes, matching DOES matter!
Ok, I am about to be very, very hard on this girl. Her dress is actually quite cute and nicely accessorized with the metallic belt and bag. I am still, however, pretty p.o.ed about the keds-without-laces incident, so the terrible, 80s revival glasses just didn't get us started off on the right foot.... Bad mood aside, I still have to wonder what inspired her to combine this (sans glasses) nice outfit with pink and purple stripped socks and beat up tennis shoes. I'm not saying she needs to go all dainty or, god forbid, slip on a pair of heels, just wear shoes that actually do SOMETHING for the overall look instead of drawing immediately "Opps. Someone forgot to look in the mirror!" attention like a long run on a pair of pantyhose.
SENTENCE: Life imprisonment without possibility of parole (told you I was going to be hard on her!)Citizen's Choice Awards
1. The Italians
To be fair, the first woman here would normally be ticketed in the "Dump the Frump" category. That skirt really has to go and the mocassins are also rather questionable. Still, I love the green on her, which is off set nicely by the scarf and besides, she just seemed so darn nice. Her friendly vibe combined with the fact that she was speaking Italian was enough to merit the award.
Normally I don't really go for this rastafarian-cum-hippie-cum-punk style, but I thought this woman (also Italian) really owned the look and still managed to look elegant. Plus, she smiled a lot at my kids (always a wise decision when trying to get on the good side of an officer of the law!)
2. A Whole Lot of Granny Going On
Snow white hair is oh-so-much more stricking than a mere distinguished gray. This old lady matched her outfit to her hair right down to the shoes and purse (how does she keep so much white so pristine?) The kitty cat tote is also a nice touch to her overall granny groove. Three cheers for grandma!
I suppose there are many things you could say about my husband and I, but one of them is definitely not that we bore easily. We always find ways to entertain ourselves, new discoveries, objects of interest and so on. Case in point: Sometime yesterday Jasper said to me "Hey, I have a great idea. Why don't I pose in my grandmother's old glasses and you take pictures of me." And so we had a hilarious 12 picture posing, with breaks in between (his grandmother was nearly blind, so he had to take off the glasses between each shot to avoid getting a headache....) These are a few of my favorites, each with their own name.
This one I call "Satre, eat your heart out."
This one is known as "Good one, Eugene!"
These two are called "Yves, the slimy French exchange student." Can't you just imagine trying to dodge this guy at a party?
The funniest thing, however, is that in a few of them he actually ended up looking kind of hip.
But how can you look hip in your half-blind grandmother's glasses? Is it cool to be uncool? Unique to be ugly? Hip to be ironically unhip? Or maybe, just maybe, hipsters are sometimes just plain ridiculous. Case in point, the following picture:
Yes, a few weeks ago I actually saw a smug Berlin hipster in Friedrichain wearing these, that is, Keds without laces. No, people, no! Look, I realize I'm simply too old to get this whole "80s revival". Most of the stuff hipsters are wearing these days are exactly what I wore in the 6th grade and, no matter how hard you might try, you just can never find something you found cool in the 6th grade ever cool again. And besides, it's UG-ly. So please, my friends, throw out the bright plastic frame glasses. Burn those peg leg jeans. Send those knotted pearl necklaces and cable knit sweaters and keds without laces back to fashion hell where they belong. Trust me, someday soon you will thank me for it.
Why am I looking so annoyed in this picture? No, it's not because I need a haircut (though admittedly i do.) It is because of trends and why I hate them.Let me back track a little. Yesterday, in the later afternoon, I went for a stroll along the Landwehrkanal in Berlin-Kreuzberg on the way to meet a friend. I did encounter a few fashion crimes along the way, like this girl who is obviously taking Peaches Geldorf too seriously or this slightly questionable large flower knit dress.
Still, the weather was gorgeous, hot and summer like, and I was simply in to good a mood to hand out any citations. That is until I started noticing them: The scarves.
These long cotton scarves are all the rage this year. Personally, I think they look ok but the problem is EVERYBODY is wearing them. Seriously, sometimes it seems like there is an urban hipster version of the Stepford Wives. You've got your skinny jeans with the long pockets, you've got your boxy cotton t-shirt, you've got your long cotton scarf and your oversized sunglasses (or, Lord help me, an 80s style pair with brightly colored frames.) Add a size eight girl and- Voila!- instant hipster. Yesterday reminded me just how truly absurd trends can be. I was wearing a short sleeved dress and sandals and was still hot. The idea of wearing a scarf in that kind of weather is ridiculous, even if it is only made of cotton. People, let's stop being Trendsklaven clones of one another and start getting original.
On a more positive note, check out this very stylish toddler I spied.
The hot pink shirt and green cords look great together, and are very springlike. The yellow flower shoes add a bit of funk. Ok, I admit it: she's my daughter. Miss Mia, the 
fledgling fashionista. Chic was literally one of her first words. And yes, I am very proud!
1. Frieda Kahlo in the House
Baby Li was taking her usually morning nap after I dropped Mia off at pre-school so I went for a walk in the lovely spring sunshine. I had my camera with me and, just as it occurred to me that it might be fun to do another Berlin Fashion Police report, this woman walked in front of me. Who says the police can never play nice? This woman looks fabulous! I somehow happened to always capture the shawl when it was draping from her shoulders, but most of the time it hung most elegantly. On me I think such a shawl would end up looking like a table cloth but on her it is so flattering but also a bit of risk which is so important in great style. The green threaded hoop earrings add to the Frieda Kahlo-ish theme and bring in a dash of color that really makes the whole ensemble sing. She is wearing those jeans everyone has these days with the long pocket over the butt. My husband hates those jeans. Unless you have a J. Lo Po (Po is butt in German)he finds they look unflattering on everyone. Personally, I think they are ok. As for the dog, I suppose he is more than a fashion accessory, but he does looks great with the outfit.
I had to be a little bit sly at the end with this one, shooting building and cars in between like some picture happy tourist, because the woman was on to me. Then again, if she had said anything I could have told her I was just taking the pictures so I could compliment her style on my blog and I'm sure all would have been forgiven. Flattery will get you everywhere.
Sentence: Citizen's Award for 4-Star Style!
2. Dump the Frump
This one hits a little bit too close to home for me. As a mother of two young children, I find it really important to not give in to laziness and stop caring about what you wear. Sure, it might be a while before I can deck myself out in those vintage 1940s stilettos I once found at a flea market but falling into mommy frumpiness is simply a depressing no go. I suppose that's why I snapped the photograph of the woman in the purple, my hand shaking a bit from fear.....
Now, I may be treading on dangerous ground because it could be that this woman just doesn't care (and, as I've said, I consider caring or not caring about style to be a person's own perogative)but my intuition tells me this is not the case. First of all, the buggy is a bright color, speaking to someone who is Farbenfroh (loves color)and likes to be a little different. Also, the colors of her own outfit match nicely and are flattering on her. She just needs a little correction (something Germans usually LOVE) andto be pointed in the right direction. So here's what she needs to do to dump the frump:
-Get a better hair cut. The bob is cute, but her hair just lays there and doesn't do much for her. If she got it a little bit layered so that it would better frame her face the problem would be solved.
-Like I said, the colors are ok but the shapes definitely aren't. She could get away with a baggy shirt and cardigan is she were wearing a pair of jeans but putting them together with a baggy skirt equals frump. The best solution would be to keep the color combination and skirt but choose a more fitted shirt and a short twin-set sweater instead of a long cardigan.
With these changes the woman could still keep her casual, natural fibers look but would automatically be more attractive and stylish.Sentence: Misdemeanor. Charges lifted once hair is properly cut.
After all this tiring police work I headed off to Cafe Molinari where I had mys
elf a nice French breakfast of a cappucino and croissant.
After a little while of hanging out in the sun someone finally woke up.
I have been the inofficial Berlin Fashion Police for many years now. I swear, I have never been to another city so wrought with fashion faux pas. People somehow just don't seem to have a feel for what looks good on them. The city is also so trend driven it's ridiculous. You end up seeing clones all over the place, one of the reasons I really hate trends because I think style should always be individual. So many times I've caught myself on the U-Bahn thinking something like "Girlfriend, you have so got to loose that hat" Or "Those boots do not do anything for that outfit" or "Earrings or necklace, one or the other, but not both because those two just DO NOT match."
I would be lying if I didn't admit that there is a certain amount of cattiness in my fashion police musings (but then, what would fashion and style be without cattiness?) But that is not the entire story. I honestly believe that anyone can (and should)develop there own style. It should be personal and individual, reflecting your taste. It should celebrate your body, flattering how you are shaped as well as your coloring. It should show who you are, be playful, never seamless and perfect (perfection and flawlessness=sterile in my opinion)sometimes take risks and be full of surprises.
This past summer I was so inspired when I went to Contis Plage in France. The women there dressed casually but with elegance. They were feminine without being all tussied out (Tussi is the German word for someone who is overly girly). SO much better than the careful carelessness that people have here. They want to look like they just put on the first thing they saw after rolling out of bed but it actually took them an hour to acheive this...Today, whilst walking around Bergmannstrasse, I saw so many bad outfits and color combinations that I decided to be a spy and take some pictures of them. Unfortunately I didn't capture any of the most horrendous crimes, like the cotton parachute pants. Parachute pants. That they are reappearing is an indication that this 80s thing has gotten out of control. Come on people, 80s style was bad enough the FIRST time around. All I have to say is if the Miami Vice look makes a come back, I swear to god I'm going to slit my wrists!Ok, here we go with the Berlin Fashion Police Blotter.
1. Whatcha got under that raincoat, sister?
Though this isn't totally horrendous, there are still several things going wrong here.
-First off, the shoes. They are cute, strappy sandal pumps that look great with her legs, but they are a bit too dainty for what she is wearing. Much better suited for a short, spring dress.
-Second, the coat. Wearing a mini raincoat with no clothing peeking out from underneath gives her a little bit too much of the flasher look. She also has a nice figure, so why not wear something more tailored to show it off? The flaired bottom on the coat is doing nothing for her.-Third, the color. Berlin is a city filled with plenty of Nordic palies. And yet so many of them insist on wearing black. When you have a truly fair complexion, black (or, in this case, navy)just isn't all that flattering. This girl would look so great in a pastel color: sky blue, canary yellow, even pink (and she looks like she is girly enough to pull it off.) The black bag with the navy coat is another no-no. And don't get me started on the 80s hair clip....
Sentence: Misdemeanor- 700 Euro fine and 30 days community service.
2. Wait a minute, is that guy trying to be hip?
At first glance you assume that this is just a regular guy. If he were, I wouldn't have anything to say. When someone says to me "But Rebeccah, I just don't care about style." I shrug my shoulders and say "Well, alrighty then." But when you look again you see a few telltale signs.
-He is typing on his Mac Book in a public place.
-He is in Berlin-Kreuzberg not Des Moines (in Berlin, only a hipster or an American tourist would wear a baseball cap.)
-When you look closely at his clothes you see chunky, cable-knit cardigan, pin striped wrinkled oxford shirt. Both vintage 1980s items.
OMG, this guy is trying to be hip!
Don't get me wrong. I love vintage clothes and mix a lot of it into my own wardrobe. But just because something is old does not automatically make it cool. And seriously, like I said before, I just don't get this 80s thing. "But Rebeccah," you say. "We're not trying to look good. We're trying to be ironic." The problem is, 80s clothes is not ironic, it's just poor taste. Then again, maybe I'm just too old. When I see an outfit like this I think of Josh Peacock who sat three rows behind me in our 6th grade Humanities class. At the time I thought he looked cute, but give me a break. I was 13 and it WAS the 80s. Now I think there's simply no excuse.
Sentence: Felony. Parole granted only after synthetic cable knit cardigan and oxford shirt have been burned.
3. Citizen's Choice Award
So you won't think I can only criticize, here is a picture of an outfit I think looks great. The chunky boots and scarf have a Berlin flair about them, the beige jacket looks fab with the purple skirt and the oversized yellow purse is fun, Spring-like and makes good use of the color wheel (yellow and purple, y'all.) Her friend is a little bit more muted, but the ballerina flats and lacy tights are adorable.
See. I can play nice. And here, to end this post, is a picture of lovely spring flowers.
Yes, it's true: This is a trend and this woman (so sorry to say I didn't have my camera or she would be SO dissed right now!) was not the first person I've seen wearing them. The good news: These pants remind me a lot of my two and a half year old daughter. The bad news: That is, when she has a gigantic LOAD in her diaper!!! People, people, people, what are you thinking?? Do you just want to have a "What the hell was I wearing back then?" snapshot for the family album? And don't give me that "But they are so comfortable" excuse. So are paper bags, but as far as I've heard, no one is wearing them...
Granted, these pants are apparently striving for equality: whether fat or thin, curvy or androgynus, they are simply unflattering on everyone.
