Jasper got his first taste of SkyMall on a flight from San Francisco to New York a couple of years ago. SkyMall is not something we have in Germany (as it is somehow very, very American in the wackiest sense of the word) nor do they have them on international flights though, believe me, we could use the comic relief. Fifteen hours of flight time with two young children isn't exactly something you can describe as "pleasant and relaxing"...Anyway, on this very full, very cramped Jet Blue flight to New York I found a copy of SkyMall and was instantly excited."SkyMall!" I said."What's that?" Jasper asked.For a moment it seemed ludicrous that someone hadn't heard of the utterly useless and strange phenomena that is SkyMall but then I remembered: Oh yeah, he's German. I took him on a tour of some of the classics like the hot dog cooker:
Some of the strange pet products like the pet viewing pod:
The renewable feeder so you can leave fluffy at home when you take off for six months:
And the handy can of Poop Freeze (which shockingly only got a rating of two and half out of six stars on their website...):
SkyMall, of course, also has a lot of great products for the garden, like this decorative Sasquatch:
Or this grave-escaping zombie for that Halloween-feeling all year long:
Still, Jasper's absolute favorite was the steak brander, ordered with your own initials:
When we saw this we both started cracking up. "Is this for real?" Jasper asked. I assured him that it was. Or at least I was pretty sure. Everyone knows SkyMall but I've yet to meet someone who has actually ordered something from them. Perhaps it is actually just a hoax, a kind of "The Onion" of catalogs?
This morning I heard a piece on NPR about SkyMall which basically summed up that yes, it does really exist and yes, everyone knows about it (and finds it hilarious) but no, hardly anyone has ever actually ordered anything, or at least not anyone who listens to NPR.
My advice? Make this Christmas one to remember. Go to SkyMall right now and do some holiday shopping, perhaps picking up this lovely conversation piece for your mother-in-law or your second cousin:
Trust me, they'll thank you for it. ;)
So I wrote in an earlier post on this blog that Germans don't have stockings on Christmas Eve but what I failed to mention was they DO get presents in something they normally wear on their feet namely, their shoes. On the night of December 5th Niklaus comes and, if the children have properly cleaned their shoes, he delivers them small presents and chocolate to a shoe that has been placed in front of their bedroom door.
Since this is the first Christmas where Mia is old enough to know what's going on, she's been learning a lot about all the different holiday figures: She knows Santa, she knows Frosty, she's at least heard of Rudolph. But this Niklaus guy, how could I explain him to her without overwhelming her two and a half year old senses?
"Niklaus is Santa's brother," I told her, trying to connect them together.
"No, they're not!" Jasper said, somewhat entsetzt.
I thought about it later and realized how do we know they aren
't brothers? I mean, what do we even really know about this Santa Claus guy? That he's old and doesn't shave much and likes to eat? That he lives in a cold and dark place but apparently does not suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder because he laughs like a bowl full of jelly and, once a year, travels around the world in one night delivering presents to all the good little boys and girls? How do we know his brother Niklaus doesn't live in a cottage on an ice floe down the road? One is into shoes, one into stockings; hey, it's a family thing....
All I can say is, thank god for Wikipedia. I read this article on Santa Claus and learned a lot of interesting things. Some of them were predictable; namely, that Santa Claus, Niklaus and S
interklaas (as my Dutch ex-boyfriend called him) are all the same guy, St. Nicholas, whose feast day is, yep you guessed it, on December 6th. Some of the information was more unusal, like there have been parellels drawn between St. Nick and Odin as well as a mention of the untrue legend that Coca Cola invented Santa Claus (something that I've heard many times from smug, arrogant German college students I've taught, who claimed it was just another example of how American pop culture has ruined the high culture of Europe. Granted, you can be critical of certain more obnoxious parts of American culture, but please at least get your facts straight. In my experience, snobbery is often largely based on ignorance....)
The good news is, even if you're more into Niklaus, there is still a slutty Santa outfit to be had for the ladies. Here's the example I found when I googled Niklaus images (under the heading, Niklaus Kostüme, Gr. S):
Happy (belated) Niklaus everyone and keep those shoes nice and polished!
I suppose there are numerous ways people in their prime child-bearing years who don't have kids feel about children, but here are probably two of the most extreme on opposite sides of the spectrum:
a) people who think children are equivalent to pond scum; smelly, irritating and hard to get rid of; and b) people who think children are wondrous little packets of joy and, lord, how they can't wait until they have one.
As a mother of two I can say that yes, kids are great but, while I wouldn't go quite as far as to equate them with pond scum, they can sometimes truly be teeny, tiny monsters.
On my recent visit, my sister put it rather aptly on a particularly bad baby day: "Just think. A couple of years ago you went for weeks without having anyone in your life scream, cry, whine or pound their fists on things." How did I ever do without?
Still, kids can be a joy and most of the time are lots of fun. You can a) collect rocks in your skirt on a whim b) talk poop A LOT (though this hopefully fades once you get past the diaper years....) c) read lots of wonderful stories out loud several times a day like Ferdinand, Goodnight Moon and Hooper Humperdinck, Not Him, using funny voices d) chase birds any time your heart should fancy, and e) burst into song and dance at the drop of a hat. If you were to often do any of these things without kids, people just might start questioning your sanity.
Mia and Lilly, thanks so much for being my monstrous little packets of fun. I love you both so much.
I really like the work of the English photographer Martin Parr. He did a photo series sometime in the late 80s/early 90s called Bored Couples. Here are some of the shots:
We all know couples like this, couples who don't seem to have a word to say to each other and you wonder why in the world they are even still together and yet they are. A friend of Jasper's calls the ones you see in a restaurant "The Dining Dead."
Parr's work got me thinking about relationships in general and the different kinds that there are. I thought I'd compile a list here just for the fun of it. The list is, of course, from the point of view of a straight female since that's what I am, but I would also love to hear a straight/gay man and lesbian version if anyone would like to share one. Ok, here goes.
1. The "We Will Stay Together Forever and Ever and Ever" Couples
I thought about calling this one "The First Love" couples because that is what they usually are. They can barely spend more than a few hours apart, they wear each others jeans, they read each others e-mails, they have lots and lots and lots of insider jokes. They become so merged that it's impossible to think of one without the other: You never say "Steve" or "Kathy" but "Steve and Kathy". The idea that they might ever break up is enough to give the girlfriend an ulcer. If they do break up, then be prepared for a lot of drama and ice cream and vodka and weepy phones calls at four in the morning. (Yes, as you can see I have had experience nursing friends through this before and no, it ain't pretty, but hey, that's what friends are for....)
2. The "Who Needs Enemies When We Have Each Other" Couples
You know these people. When you're together with them they rag on their partner the whole time, sometimes taking it so far that you start feeling uncomfortable. Do they hate each other or love each other or love to hate each other? Who knows....
3. The "Independent" Couples (possibly the "George Glass" couples.)
Do you remember the Brady Bunch episode where Jan, jealous as usual of Marcia's popularity, makes up a boyfriend named George Glass? She pretends to talk to him on the phone and makes excuses why he can't come to a party until, finally, she fesses up....I've also known couples like this: Susie is supposedly in a relationship and yet she always goes out alone and you've never met her significant other even though she's been your friend for a while. Are these couples just fiercely independent? Do they have something to hide? Or is it truly a case of "George Glass" syndrome?
4. The "Matching Jogging Suit" Couples
These couples scare my husband. A lot. "No matching sports equipment or I'll file for divorce!" he has joked. (But I also find them frightening, so he has nothing to worry about.) My guess is that couples like this are just a continuation of the "We'll Stay Together Forever and Ever and Ever" couples. They are also probably the most in danger of the man leaving for a younger woman following his mid-life crisis after which the woman will start breeding chinchillas.
5. The "So I Guess We Should Just Get Married" Couples
These people have been together a while. They both like popcorn. Why not just get married? If they do, they are also probably the most in danger of becoming the Bored Couples to be mocked by some smart-ass photographer on the prowl (I'm talking, of course, as much about myself as Mr. Parr. ;) )
6. The "Long Distance Relationship" Couples
They live in different cities of countries. They see each other for three intense weeks a year then spend a lot of time being on their own (also possibly seeing other people in an "don't ask don't tell" kind of open relationship situation....) Although they might not admit it to themselves, they wonder if the relationship could last if they lived near each other. The answer? No. (Ok, I admit this one is about my first husband!)
7. The "Thou Shalt Never Look At Another Member of the Female Species" Couples
I've heard this one often enough: A man gets a new girlfriend/gets married and the woman forces him break off contact with any female friends or acquaintances. It doesn't matter if they are old, lesbian or just plain butt ugly; if they have a vagina, she doesn't want them around. And watch out if she catches him saying he finds another woman attractive or peeking a glance...Personally, I don't get this at all. My husband could cheat on me if he wanted to (though of course, there would be consequences...) and me being super jealous and possessive wouldn't stop him: in fact, it would be more likely to just push him away. Relationships are based on trust and I wouldn't ever let someone treat me like this. And men who break off friendships just because their girlfriend doesn't like it; man, stand up for yourself and, um, get some balls!
Ok, my listing ability is now exhausted. Anyone have a few that I might have forgotten? I also would like to have a photo example of each type, so if you have any, please send them my way. :)
Today, on the lovely playground on Chamisso Platz of all places, I saw a woman wearing them: Harem (a.k.a M.C. Hammer) pants. This apparently stylish woman was pushing her child on a swing with pants like this covering her modest behind:
Yes, it's true: This is a trend and this woman (so sorry to say I didn't have my camera or she would be SO dissed right now!) was not the first person I've seen wearing them. The good news: These pants remind me a lot of my two and a half year old daughter. The bad news: That is, when she has a gigantic LOAD in her diaper!!! People, people, people, what are you thinking?? Do you just want to have a "What the hell was I wearing back then?" snapshot for the family album? And don't give me that "But they are so comfortable" excuse. So are paper bags, but as far as I've heard, no one is wearing them...
Granted, these pants are apparently striving for equality: whether fat or thin, curvy or androgynus, they are simply unflattering on everyone.
As for the end of the world, forget about those four horses and the whore of Babylon or whatever else it is they wrote in Revelations. If this 80s revival goes so far that BIG HAIR actually comes back into fashion, then the world, as we know it, will surely have come to an end....
Yes, the Berlin Fashion Cop is back and she's cattier than ever! Actually, I never really went anywhere. Taking shots anonymously of people whose style I plan to later diss on my blog has just gotten trickier since my camera has gotten bigger. Luckily, at Berlin Zoologischer Garten (the zoo in the heart of former West Berlin) EVERYONE has a camera and, so I found out yesterday, no one pays any attention whether you're taking shots of monkey babies or bad-idea spandex. Luckily as well, there was many a crime being committed. Here is my police blotter:
1. Two-Toned Hair
So here's the thing: from the age of 15 to probably about 27, whenever I felt like I needed a change in my life I often just went to Walgreen's and picked up a bottle of hair dye and then went at it. Dying your hair can be fun, it can be cool and, no, it doesn't necessarily have to look natural. But, like my mother always said, nothing says "stripper" like two-toned hair. Please, ladies, unless you are applying for a job over at Big Al's, spare us the distressed tresses!Note: the two young girls (admittedly, only one of them has a two-toned 'do) get extra points for actually looking good in short shorts, but have a few marks added to their records for the tan-in-the-can and the silver lame shoulder bag.....
SENTENCE: A two hundred Euro donation to a (classy) hairdresser of their choice.
2. Comfortable, Outdoor Sandals
I realize I might get some flak for this one. "But Officer Schlieffen," some citizens might say, "A lot of these people are probably tourists who do a lot of walking. They need comfortable sandals!" My answer: "Poppycock, my dear friends, poppycock!" There are plenty of comfortable sandals to be worn that DON'T make you look like you are about to embark on a creek-walking expedition. Officer Schlieffen's advice? Nix The North Face! Toss out the Teva! Comfort and style CAN be combined, so go out and make it happen.
SENTENCE: Six months of community service3. Yes, matching DOES matter!
Ok, I am about to be very, very hard on this girl. Her dress is actually quite cute and nicely accessorized with the metallic belt and bag. I am still, however, pretty p.o.ed about the keds-without-laces incident, so the terrible, 80s revival glasses just didn't get us started off on the right foot.... Bad mood aside, I still have to wonder what inspired her to combine this (sans glasses) nice outfit with pink and purple stripped socks and beat up tennis shoes. I'm not saying she needs to go all dainty or, god forbid, slip on a pair of heels, just wear shoes that actually do SOMETHING for the overall look instead of drawing immediately "Opps. Someone forgot to look in the mirror!" attention like a long run on a pair of pantyhose.
SENTENCE: Life imprisonment without possibility of parole (told you I was going to be hard on her!)Citizen's Choice Awards
1. The Italians
To be fair, the first woman here would normally be ticketed in the "Dump the Frump" category. That skirt really has to go and the mocassins are also rather questionable. Still, I love the green on her, which is off set nicely by the scarf and besides, she just seemed so darn nice. Her friendly vibe combined with the fact that she was speaking Italian was enough to merit the award.
Normally I don't really go for this rastafarian-cum-hippie-cum-punk style, but I thought this woman (also Italian) really owned the look and still managed to look elegant. Plus, she smiled a lot at my kids (always a wise decision when trying to get on the good side of an officer of the law!)
2. A Whole Lot of Granny Going On
Snow white hair is oh-so-much more stricking than a mere distinguished gray. This old lady matched her outfit to her hair right down to the shoes and purse (how does she keep so much white so pristine?) The kitty cat tote is also a nice touch to her overall granny groove. Three cheers for grandma!
I suppose there are many things you could say about my husband and I, but one of them is definitely not that we bore easily. We always find ways to entertain ourselves, new discoveries, objects of interest and so on. Case in point: Sometime yesterday Jasper said to me "Hey, I have a great idea. Why don't I pose in my grandmother's old glasses and you take pictures of me." And so we had a hilarious 12 picture posing, with breaks in between (his grandmother was nearly blind, so he had to take off the glasses between each shot to avoid getting a headache....) These are a few of my favorites, each with their own name.
This one I call "Satre, eat your heart out."
This one is known as "Good one, Eugene!"
These two are called "Yves, the slimy French exchange student." Can't you just imagine trying to dodge this guy at a party?
The funniest thing, however, is that in a few of them he actually ended up looking kind of hip.
But how can you look hip in your half-blind grandmother's glasses? Is it cool to be uncool? Unique to be ugly? Hip to be ironically unhip? Or maybe, just maybe, hipsters are sometimes just plain ridiculous. Case in point, the following picture:
Yes, a few weeks ago I actually saw a smug Berlin hipster in Friedrichain wearing these, that is, Keds without laces. No, people, no! Look, I realize I'm simply too old to get this whole "80s revival". Most of the stuff hipsters are wearing these days are exactly what I wore in the 6th grade and, no matter how hard you might try, you just can never find something you found cool in the 6th grade ever cool again. And besides, it's UG-ly. So please, my friends, throw out the bright plastic frame glasses. Burn those peg leg jeans. Send those knotted pearl necklaces and cable knit sweaters and keds without laces back to fashion hell where they belong. Trust me, someday soon you will thank me for it.
Jasper got his first taste of SkyMall on a flight from San Francisco to New York a couple of years ago. SkyMall is not something we have in Germany (as it is somehow very, very American in the wackiest sense of the word) nor do they have them on international flights though, believe me, we could use the comic relief. Fifteen hours of flight time with two young children isn't exactly something you can describe as "pleasant and relaxing"...
And the handy can of Poop Freeze (which shockingly only got a rating of two and half out of six stars on their website...):
Still, Jasper's absolute favorite was the steak brander, ordered with your own initials:
Trust me, they'll thank you for it. ;)
